


Doing All Right

by Killerqueenarchive



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Calmness, Deacy, Depression, M/M, angermanagment, bri - Freeform, fred - Freeform, mental health, rog - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-01-25 06:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21351751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killerqueenarchive/pseuds/Killerqueenarchive
Summary: Brian May and Roger Taylor are complete strangers to each other. Brian only knows Roger as the mysterious and misunderstood loner who goes to his university, and Roger knows him as the smart one that everyone looks up to.  But when they cross paths, the bond they've formed grows stronger by the day. The only thing between them is their mental illnesses and a group that tries their best to separate them.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

This was it, a new start. Another chance to hide his real self to everyone for the freak that he was. The sight of the door to his lesson came into view and he stopped, staring at it for the longest time possible. He couldn’t mess this up or things would have the same ending they did for all the other times he failed to contain himself, letting the real him escape. Dark feelings churned around in his stomach, uneasiness coming to him. One wrong move and it’s over, you only have one chance, use it wisely. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, hesitating in his steps inside. Chatters of people laughing and talking filled the room, oblivious to anything else that went on. Good, they wouldn’t be able to notice him for any reason. However, that didn’t stop him from making sure that he wouldn’t call attention to himself. Walking down the steps, eyes scanned the room, all fresh faces that were unfamiliar. With each move, heart pounded harder than last time, speeding up every second someone turned to look at him. Mind screamed at him the word, judgement. He couldn’t take it anymore and at the sight of an empty spot, he dashed to it, the pressure breaking him. The beating in his ears grew louder, taking over his mind. No, don’t do it. He sunk down into the seat and crashed his head down into his arms, pulling at his hair, wishing this day would be over already.  
“Brian, is that you?”  
The minute the voice spoke, it rang a bell in his memory, knowing exactly who it was that talked. Tim. He turned up to look at him, meeting eyes. A sense of comfort came over Brian, easing the nervous wreck he was inside. Everything would be okay as long as his friend stayed by his side.  
Do something. Ignoring the demanding side of him, he pushed through, forcing himself to be welcoming as to not come off as an arrogant person. Words gritting through his teeth, he pulled together,  
“Hey, how’s your first day going so far?”  
“Great! I’ve met so many people who like me for who I am! Remember how I was always so worried about what people would think of me?”  
Brian nodded, dreading the question. He didn’t have to pretend anymore, he finally found people who accepted him for who he was. Lucky him. He couldn’t say the same for himself, though. No one could ever come to terms with his mental illness that turned people away at the very mention of it.  
“Well, I’m never doing that again!”  
How he wished that he could be him. Free of judgement. For now he would have to carry on being the great pretender.  
“Everyone, silence!” the professor shouted, it’s echoes lingering.  
People wrapped up their conversations, and turned to face them, waiting for it to be over.  
“It’s that time of day that everyone loves, roll call!”  
Clearing his throat he scanned through the list, calling out names.  
“Miss Bowers?”  
“Right here, prof!”  
The rest was a blur, jumbles of names being called out and Brian didn’t pay attention to a single one of them. The only thing he could do was prepare to fake his happy voice to make a lasting impression on everyone that he was a collected person that didn’t have any sort of problem with them.  
“Brian May?”  
The name rang loud into his ears, halting the mess going on inside his mind of layering voice firing back at one another, everything being brought out of the question. Body tensed up as he was caught off guard, struggling to pull himself back on track.  
“Here!”  
He put his head down as the sensation of people looking at him came on.  
The professor continued with roll, going through the last of the names.  
“Is there anyone—”  
He stopped in his tracks looking above the papers into the distance.  
“Sir, what do you think you’re doing?”  
SIlence filled the air at his words and heads turned towards the back of the room. Brian looked up from his seat, turning to see what everyone was so fixated on. Eyes landed on a figure at the far corner of the room, his disheveled blonde hair strands laying over his face, with confusion spread throughout him by the way he stood. As soon as all eyes were on him, he cowered down, lowering from people’s gaze. Body trembled the slightest, hands grasping at one another. Panic swept over him, desperate to be out of everyone’s attention.  
“Sorry Mr, I-I…”  
“May I have your name?”  
“R-Roger.”  
He went back to the list, reading over the names until he stopped at one.  
“Please take a seat, Mr. Meddows Taylor.”  
His expression dropped, eyes widening and biting his lip, tensing up at the words. Too late. The room erupted into laughter, people pointing at him and trying to stifle their snickers from coming out, escaping under their breath. He threw his hands over his face, hiding himself from the moment as he stumbled over to a corner, sinking down into his seat, head digging into his arms. Second-hand embarrassment pinged inside Brian, wanting to forget the moment just as much as Roger did. It had never been this bad before but this time it ached him like any other pain. He couldn’t help but to focus on him, Roger never leaving his attention.  
“Earth to Brian?”  
He jumped at the question, interrupting what he was doing, taking a few moments to come back to the reality of the situation. Roger moved around in his seat, peeping out from his hideout, looking throughout the room and meeting eyes with Brian. He turned away before he thought he was being a creep, going back to Tim.  
“Yes?”  
“First day of university and you’re already checking him out?” he said, glancing over at Roger.  
He stopped, everything freezing up. He’d noticed.  
“No, Tim! You know I’m not gay!” he said, forcing out a laugh.  
“Just messing with you!” He socked him in a playful manner, going back to whatever he was busy with. All Brian could do was lay eyes on Roger, who still had his head down, sulking in his position. He didn’t know what caught his eye about him, he just did. No reason for it at all, but something told him that it was an important one. Neverminding Tim’s suspicions, he drifted off into his own world, forgetting about everything else happening. No one knew anything about him. About his illness or even the fact that he was queer. Nothing.


	2. A Simple Art Student

It’s official, he’d lost his mind. Ever since the first day, all his thoughts were about normal things but somehow they always found their way back to the mysterious one who was Roger. He ached for an explanation for everything, but he got no answers out of it. He had to put an end to it. He didn’t know a single thing about him and so did Roger. Complete strangers, nothing else. He would never know him by anything other than the mysterious loner that he saw daily. No indication of what he thought about him, though. Could it be something negative? He hoped not. Being thought of a bad manner terrified Brian. All the effort he put into hiding his real self would be put to waste. The dark voices inside screamed at him all possible reasons for him being unlikeable. Maybe he cared too much about what impression he left on people. Or did he care too little? He couldn’t tell at this point. But one thing was set in stone, that the time for him to go to his next lesson had come. Dreading the thought of going to yet another place where expected to be normal, he pulled together, dragging himself to go over to the door, sighing as he caught one last glimpse of his dorm before he went out. Leaving his place of comfort, he walked out onto campus, the casual stream of people laughing along with their friends, never paying attention to anything else. All he could do was ignore the noise, him breaking a bit more on the inside as he passed by the crowd. Friends, what were they?   
Stepping up to his lesson room, he sighed, opening the door. Why was he even taking an art minor? As expected, everyone went about their life, whatever going on being drowned out by the fun they were having, talking about amongst themselves. Trying to draw attention away from himself, he crept around the crowd, sitting down at one of the few somewhat clear tables that remained. Sitting next to him, a man sketched about his paper, hands never stopping, line after line showing up, connecting the art together. His dark strands of hair covering what was his face, eyes only focused on what went on the page, getting lost in his own world. His art amazed Brian, he’d never seen anyone get that invested in what they loved. He would make it someday. Before he could stop himself, the words shot right out of him.   
“Wow, that’s amazing.”  
The man stopped at the comment and looked up at him, brushing his hair back and meeting him in the eyes with his own dark brown ones. Guilt filled Brian for interrupting his flow of work.   
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”  
“No, you’re fine. Thank you, no one’s ever said that about my work. I do appreciate it.”  
He went back to his sketch, finishing up and refining what was left to do. He stopped midway, turning to Brian again. What did he do now? Smirking at him, having the hint of mischief to it.   
“What does your art look like?”  
Brian froze up, mouthing the words “oh”. He picked up his pencil and went out on the paper, drawing something of his own. He didn’t mind sharing his work, it was that he felt ashamed of it for being what would be classified as “non-artlike” by other artists. Once it was finished, he looked over at him, who waited to see it. Hesitating in his movements, he held it out to him.   
“Here, but prepare, it’s kind of awful,” he said, handing him his drawing.  
He scanned over it, nodding at some details.  
“Nonsense! This is good!”  
Someone actually liked what he did?  
“Did you give it a name by chance?”  
Oh, he’d forgotten about that. Without a name, he would think that he was just any other ameatur artist that had no idea what they were doing. That wouldn’t do well for making a lasting first impression on a possible friend.   
“Uh, yeah! It’s called Constellations,” he remarked, shooting out the name last minute.   
“A space geek I see,” he laughed.   
Brian pulled a smile, cringing on the inside. Maybe naming it that hadn’t been the best idea. Now he would know him as someone who was all over for space. The man took note of his reaction and pulled back a notch.   
“Don’t stress about it, it’s fine! Mine’s called Kashmira Bulsara, just like my sister, see?”  
A woman sat on a couch, leisuring her time, staring beyond at the skies above, never losing focus on it. From the background, a cat sprawled around, stretching and walking through the room.   
“Oh yes, I’m Freddie by the way.” He held out his hand.  
“Brian,” he replied, shaking it.   
“Now about your art, I think it’s good but how about we make sure of one thing first, who’s better?”  
Was he doing what Brian thought he was doing?  
“You dare challenge me to an art competition you say?”  
“If the boot fits,” he said, smirking at his sly reply.  
And that’s how they spent the entire lesson sketching out of their minds, all other things being thrown out the window as they never took their eyes off their work, sketch after sketch and endless comparisons between the two’s artworks. Freddie indeed was a piece of work, in a good manner. Quiet, but overall Brian liked his character. A strange sense of calmness filled him each time he was around him. He didn’t even have to try to hide his real self around him, it all felt like home. His internal fears dying down for the first time in a while, being silenced by the first real friendship he had begun on his own.


	3. Interactions

His lesson had wrapped up and he shot up from his chair, putting his things together. Leaving the room, he went outside with only one place in mind. His dorm. Going through the crowds of students sparked up something in him, being annoyed at them by the second as he passed by them. Keep it together, he could do this. Body growing tense, he rushed past people, desperate to go back to where he wouldn’t be disturbed. Air brushed up in his face, hair flowing all around the place, covering his field of vision. He brushed it back, teeth gritting further than they already were at the inconveniences that had already taken place. No. He stopped in his tracks, halting the boiling of blood inside. He had to be strong. Breaths huffed out of him, the constant reminder of his anger management issues being rubbed in. Why couldn’t he be normal? That’s all he wanted.   
“Hey, need this? Come and get it!”  
His attention snapped away from himself and landed on a group in the distance. A mob of men laughing out of their minds as they towered over a student who desperately tried to reach where they were at. Papers blowing around in the wind in the grip of the men, out of reach of the person who they belonged to. At the sight of the scene, Brian immediately knew who it was. Roger.  
“Please, give them back. I need them!” he pleaded.   
His blonde hair went all over the place as he jumped up, trying to get ahold of his belongings.   
“Too late!”  
Ripping up the music sheets, they dropped to the ground, pieces of them flying everywhere through the wind. Dropping all the things he had in hand, he crashed to the floor, grabbing at the shreds of his music, salvaging whatever he could out of the mess. His drumsticks rolled out into the wrath of the mob and they were quick to take them, snatching them up.   
“No!” Roger yelled, looking up at them.   
Snap.  
Breaking into two parts, sharp ends sticking out, they fell to the ground, their echoes lingering in the air. Roger’s hands trembled at the sight, unable to move. The mob went their own ways, trampling over the destruction they had done. Grins took place in their faces, not caring about the aftermath of what they did. Brian’s heart dropped, a slight pain filling him on the inside. It didn’t last for long as a bit of anger started to fill the void. No. He had to shut it out. Keeping it hidden, he walked up to the scene. Why hadn’t he done anything? He just stood there for a fool, letting someone else be taken advantage of. He had to do something to make up for it now than never. Crouching down next to Roger, he picked up the broken remaining parts of what was left of his music sheets and drumsticks. His shaky breaths and sniffles rang loud in Brian’s ears, trying not to let his emotions out. He struggled in what he did, silence filling the gap between them. Once there was nothing more to do, they stood up and Brian turned to him. Roger hesitated to reach out to him but he took the things, not daring to face him. He stayed in his quiet state, tensed up. After it felt for an eternity, he looked up at him, his tear filled eyes meeting with Brian’s own. His gaze twitched around, faltering at times.   
“T...thank y-you,” he stuttered out, turning back down.   
He walked away, looking in all directions. He crouched smaller as he passed by more people until he went out of sight, disappearing into the crowd. Something about him broke Brian’s heart. Leaving him with a sense of being lost and the longing for an answer. No indication of what it was, though. What could it be? He went through the memory again, struggling to think about it as it brought some unwelcome feelings. He’d been so worried. Vulnerable. His pleads for them to stop rang loud and clear in his ears, their lingers taking moments to fade away into the nothingness beyond. How’d he’d been desperate to get his things back, as if he didn’t want anyone else to know about anything. Maybe he was hiding something or even himself. Just like Brian.


	4. Humpy Bong

“Brian, can I talk to you for a second?” TIm approached him.   
Oh no. This couldn’t be good, whenever someone didn’t address him by his nickname, it meant that bad news was to come. Stomach did twists and turns, aching to know what he had done wrong. He’d always managed to mess things up, regardless if he knew it or not.   
“Sure, what about?” he said, hesitating in his words.   
“Follow me, I’m not sure that right here is the best place for me to tell this to you.”  
His stomach dropped at the words, his discomfort growing by the second. Tim walked along the pathway, Brian following behind him. Passing by shrubs, inching them out of the way, they reached a concrete ledge. Brian took a seat while Tim stood around, not wanting to look at him. After a few seconds he was left with no choice and he met his eyes with his own.   
That glance, full of secrets, countless ones that Brian didn’t know about.  
“Remember about the friends I told you about a few weeks ago on the first day?”  
“Yeah, what about them?” Brian replied, dread weakening his voice down.   
“Well, I’m going to be leaving with them to form a new band, but I just wanted to check with you first.”  
The lump in his throat became heavier, nearly choking him up. Mind went off the rails, freaking out as he couldn’t do anything to make the situation have different results. He spoke up, trying to change the subject in hopes of steering the conversation away from the bad news.   
“What’s the name by any chance?”  
“Humpy Bong,”  
Everything stopped for a moment, letting the words sink in. Once they did, he couldn’t help but laugh, giggles escaping under his breath. Tim’s face scrunched up in confusion at his reaction, wanting to know what was so funny. He took note of this, coughing to cover up his subtle act of rudeness.   
“I would’ve stayed if I knew the real you.”  
Breaths hitched, everything freezing up and locking into place. Tensing of his body growing as more time went on. Mind went blank, not being able to keep up with the shock that Tim had provided.   
“I’m not stupid, Brian. I know when someone is being their actual self and when they are faking all of their emotions. Just like you. We all know you’re mental, but for the sake of not foiling your acts, everyone goes along with what you do. If we’re talking about this in a matter of intelligence, you’re the stupid one. Face it, you’ll never be normal, you’ll only ever be known as the one who has anger management issues just because they have trouble controlling their feelings, isn’t that adorable?”  
Staring into his soul with beady eyes, he stepped off into the distance, hostileness radiating off from his look. Brian sunk down further into his position, trying to keep everything in, holding himself and his emotions together, unable to process what had happened. Standing up from where he sat, he numbed the feelings, focusing on going back to his dorm. Heavy footsteps pounded against the ground, trudging along, desperate to reach his place of safety. Running up the steps, he reached his door, never minding the people walking by, instead rushing past them. Scowls came from passersby, staring at him with looks of disapproval at what he was doing as they moved out of Brian’s way. Busting his door open, he slammed it behind him once he made his way inside. Standing in the silence of the room, he didn’t move an inch, staying completely still. Body tensed up by the second, tightening with the mess of emotions taking over him. They burst out of their place of captivity, mind wreaking havoc as fury spread throughout him, spreading around like it was a wildfire, out of control and impossible to calm down. Hands trembled at the stiffness of his body, which refused to let go of the pressure building up inside. Fists closed up, becoming hot and sweaty, whiteness overtaking them. Mind knew what he was doing was wrong but his body didn’t take the hint, not allowing itself to be controlled. Then it stopped. Tim’s words, he wouldn’t let them get to him. He halted in his tracks and instead stepped out of his room, hesitating to but succumbed to his new alternative way of getting rid of his anger. Walking out of the room, he seeked out the place that called his focus. Not paying attention to his surroundings, he stumbled back at a familiar voice.  
“Brian, are you good? You seem a bit disturbed.”  
He halted for a second, taking note of what went on. Eyes scanned the hallways before landing on a figure standing next to him. Freddie. His first instinct was to lie, that’s what his mind told him to do. The thought of bothering someone brought a sense of frustration to him. But more of weakness. Not being able to help himself with his own problems gnawed at his self esteem but when someone offered to help, he couldn’t help but to turn them down. It shouldn’t have been anyone’s job to make him push his feelings away, that was his. Without even thinking about for a moment, the words shot out of him.   
“No…”  
Freddie’s face turned into one of worry. Eyebrows curled upwards and the usual happiness in his eyes dulled down to tear filled ones, wanting to know what went on.   
“Which one’s your door?”  
Brian pointed at one in the distance, looking up from his place of hiding. Freddie took ahold of his arm, luring him into the room. His gentle touch calmed Brian down the slightest, letting himself to be pulled along. His feelings of self loath came back to him but it was too late to do anything about it by the time they were inside the room. Freddie sat him down on the bed, taking a spot next to him.   
“Please, tell me... What’s wrong?  
Brian turned away from him, not finding the will to look him in the eyes.   
“Listen, I’m not leaving until I know what’s bothering you.”  
Oh, he didn’t deserve him. Pings of guilt stung at his heart, hating the reality that he was hurting him. His only friend. He had no choice but to tell him before he would leave him for good, just as all his other “friends” had done. He met eyes with him and that’s when something in him came crashing down inside, tangent after tangent, he vent out everything to him. He nodded at some parts, really listening to him. He stayed quiet for the most part, taking in what Brian had to say and being patient with what he was going through.   
“Have you thought...how about we start a band of our own up?”  
Brian’s senses went blank at the question, mind not knowing what had just been said to him. It took a moment for the words to sink in but when they did, it wasn’t the reaction that Freddie had hoped for.   
“No, that’s impossible…”  
He had doubt in his voice, unsure of what he was saying. Freddie wasn’t about to give up on him that fast, he would keep on persisting. He would get through to him and when he did, Brian would see the rightness in the idea. He’d always radiate vibes of loneliness and Freddie could relate, so he knew where he was coming from. That meant that he also knew how to break his boundaries.   
“Think about it, music, it brings people together. You won’t be lonely anymore.”  
Brian looked down at the ground for a few seconds, pausing as he made up his mind. Deep down he wanted to do it but an underlying wave of self doubt crashed the idea down. Changing his decision without tomorrow, it switched back and forth until Freddie’s words came back to him. You won’t be lonely anymore.   
He wouldn’t be lonely anymore.   
“You know what, that’s a great idea.”  
Indeed it was a great idea.


	5. Calling All People

Brian pinned one of the last remaining flyers onto the bulletin board, stepping back to take one last look at it before he went. Wow, Freddie had really made for some great flyers that were sure to catch the attention of anyone who walked past them. A few days ago, Freddie and him had made the choice to go on with the idea of forming a band and they've made everything. Most of their time have been spent going around campus, making their presence known to other people. After all this hard work, it was time to call it a day once and for all. Brian made his way out of the hallways, going out onto the outdoor campus. The familiar crisp scent of trees filled the air and soft breezes blew his hair around. Clearing his mind, he strolled along back to his dorm, never minding what his interior thoughts wandered around to. Reaching this state of peace happened rarely now, it wasn’t around much anymore, mostly due to the fact that university brought lots of baggage with it. Overloads of work and expected so much out of made it impossible to relax and have some time to one’s self. Out of nowhere his breaths hitched, freezing in his tracks. A memory threw everything out the window and that’s when it came to him. That day where he talked to Roger for the first time, when his things got destroyed. He had drumsticks with him...He played the drums. That was it. Glancing at the last paper he had in hand, he scanned through the crowds of people walking by without a care in the world. An abundance of faces and Brian knew exactly which one to look for. Seconds passed by and the moment came. He laid eyes on the most familiar face and that was when he knew what he had to do. Using up all the courage that he had left, he mustered up the will to approach him. Doubtful in his decision, his steps came out uncoordinated, unsure if he wanted to go through with it or not. Confusion filled him and he longed for answers. Why was he feeling this way? He’d never felt nervous about talking to anyone, but why him? Pushing through with the voices in his head telling him not to do it, he approached him and the rest was yet to come.  
Running up to where Roger was, he prepared for any possible reactions.  
“Roger wait up!”  
He jumped at the name, halting his steps. Pausing in the moment, unsure of what to do, he finally turned around. Eyes jerked around, struggling to find a focus point, before they met up with Brian’s trembling as he forced himself to maintain eye contact with him.  
“Y...yes?”  
“Sorry for catching you at the wrong moment, but I would like to have some feedback from you. My friend and I are starting up a band of our own and are looking for musicians to fill up the empty gaps of the members that we need. It has come to my attention that you most likely play the drums, is that right?”  
They both broke focus and put it on the pair of drumsticks Roger had in hand, which Brian assumed that they were a replacement pair for the ones that had been destroyed a few weeks back. He took note of this and looked back up at Brian, with a face of certainty.  
“Yeah.”  
“Then this might interest you,” Brian said, handing him the flyer.  
He went on his own way, back to where Freddie waited to meet up with him. He didn’t know where any of this would go but one thing was certain, he might’ve just found their drummer.


	6. Uncertainty

“Thank you, excellent performance.”  
The bassist unplugged his bass from the amp, packing his things up ready to leave. Freddie’s focus on him shifted onto Brian, meeting eyes with him.   
“What’d you think of that? They were pretty good.”  
As much as Brian wanted to say that he liked it, he couldn’t lie to himself when the inner part of him thought the whole performance was only okay, nothing out of the ordinary. Even though it hurt him to think those thoughts, he wanted the band to be good hands for the future and that meant picking players who fit the role. Freddie read him as if he was a book, giving him a look that told him that he knew about everything.   
“Sorry to say, but no, not really. Not bad though.”  
“If you insist. We’ve gone through multiple players and none had clicked for you, who’s going to be that one person that gets you to come out of that narrow mind of yours?”  
He was right. Maybe he judged the people who cared to come audition too hard. He would have to set his bar of expectations down a bit if it meant not coming off as too judgemental towards others. He’d have to leave a little window of hope so that Freddie didn’t see him in such a manner.   
“I don’t know that yet, who knows? They could come along any second!”  
WInd blew into him as the door open. At the ajar opening, a face peeked in. That was enough for Brian to stop everything he was doing, he didn’t know what made him do it but he did. The moment he laid eyes on a familiar face, doubts went out of the question. Not even taking the staring Freddie into account, he stayed in his state of attentiveness. The figure opened the door all the way and made his way inside. Slow steps, one after the other, thumping softly against the ground. His body language radiated off vibes that he was unsure of his decision. He walked in a way that closed him off from anything else, stray strands of his blonde hair covering his face. Keeping to himself, he looked over at the others for one second, pushing past what troubled him.   
“Hi,” he said in a quiet voice.   
Freddie gave Brian a glance that told him that maybe he wasn’t the right choice. Brian shot his response back to him, instructing him to be patient and speak when the performance was over. He could understand where he came from though. Performers tended to be more open to people and starting off conversations, but there were usually loads of exceptions to the assumption. All it took was a matter of time in order to form opinions that they knew nothing about.   
The figure walked his way to the drumset, taking a seat, trying to get comfortable. He couldn’t seem to find a sweet spot though as he kept shifting around before coming to a stop. Facing down, hands hidden down into his lap, he fidgeted with something. Out from their hiding place, drumsticks came into view. This was the moment Brian had been waiting for. It gave him a sense that something great was about to happen. What had the shy part of Roger kept hidden from everyone?   
Taking position, he sat up with confidence which quickly dropped as doubt overcame him. Still pushing on, he hovered them over the snare. Out of nowhere, he lost his grip on them, crashing down onto the ground, rolling away from him. He shot down to the ground, doing anything to get them back before he made a fool out of himself. Shooting back up, he retook his place after struggling for a little bit. He looked at the others with eyes full of embarrassment and Brian gave him a reassuring look. He didn’t want him to feel pressured to be perfect, he just wanted him to show him what he had up his sleeves. He paused what he did, staying still.   
Never doing anything, Freddie and Brian took note at his unresponsive self, exchanging glances of confusion. Taking deep breaths, he halted their flow and was ready to do it. Suspending his sticks in the air, he took one last look at the others, giving both of them a mischievous smile that radiated off in his eyes. Brian went off his rails at it but before he could do anything, the bangs of cymbals rang in his ears, sending him into a further state of surprise. Mind failed to process what the hell had just happened but he found his attention back onto Roger. His world only being made up of him and the music going on around him, neverending anything else that went on. Eyes closed and bopping along to his beat, bashing the drums with no tomorrow, His usual collected self went out the window and replaced by one that was everything that it wasn’t. Hair swept all over the place, blocking the sight of him, unable to make any observations as far as how he played. Drums rumbled the ground beneath the other’s feet, them filling with an uneasy feeling that the shock in them canceled out for the most part. No signs of it stopping soon came. Cymbal’s crashes lingering in the air and through the room, shaking of the floor following with it. Beat after beat, the focus Roger had on growing by the second. At one point, the sound died down in a subtle way that eased into it but in the end, it left a lasting impression on Brian and Freddie. They stayed still in the silence, letting the sound completely fade out and the other reason being that they couldn’t snap themselves out of their state of awe. Everything was so perfect, even the minor flaws that had happened didn’t succeed in phasing them. Nothing intervened until Roger broke the silence, standing up from the drum stool. Fiddling his drumsticks in hand, he faced the ground, stalling within his reflections of what he did.   
“I must go now,” he finally said, looking at them in the eyes.   
Freddie nodded at his words but he needed to make sure of one thing first.   
“What’s your name, dear?”  
“Roger.”  
“Have a nice day then, Mr. Taylor.”  
He stopped in his tracks, looking at Freddie with wide eyes. A sense of being weirded out overtook him. Someone who he just met knowing his actual name without him ever telling him made for an uneasy moment. He had no idea what to think of the whole situation, not that there was much he could do. All Brian could do was watch as the moment unfolded, his ecstasy growing stronger, the occasional wave of embarrassment kicking in. Freddie had given away clues to Roger that he’d been talking to Freddie about him and he didn’t want him having those thoughts so soon. They’ve barely had one actual conversation and when he figured out that Brian had already been filling Freddie in on details, the first doubts of him would come along. Suspicion would arise and would tarnish what he thought of him. Brian wasn’t about to let that happen, but he couldn’t do anything in the moment. Once the initial shock of his words faded away, Roger cracked a smile, lips curling at the sides and eyes beaming with a shine.   
“Thank you.”  
He turned on his heel, gathering the last of his things up and made his way out of the room. Once he reached the doorway, he shot one last glance at the others, getting a real nice glimpse of them. Brian couldn’t help but melt at the sight of Roger’s sweet eyes meeting his own with a gentle gaze. Pure, nothing that could ruin it. Freddie on the other hand, he smirked at him, giving him a small wave and that was when he was out, leaving the room. He turned back to Brian with the same look of mischief that he had given him on the day that they first met. He knew that look all too well now and was up to hear for what Freddie had to say.   
“You were right about him all along, he truly is something.”  
He turned towards him, giving him an expression of approval. Brian nodded back in response. He knew he would come through and see the other side of him, and things went just as planned. Something told him that Freddie wasn’t done, yet.   
“You know, this leads me to what I think of this whole thing...”  
“And what would that be?”  
“We may have not found a bassist...but we have certainly found the drummer for our group.”  
Oh, how right he was.   
“Also, we have plenty of time to find a bassist.”  
Freddie nodded at his suggestion, laying back on his chair, getting into a comfortable position. Things were looking up as to where their band was headed to, the pieces were fitting together one by one, time was all they needed to make things a reality.


	7. Chemistry

“Are you sure you want to do this, aren’t we going to disturb him? He must be on a busy schedule, you know with university and all…”  
Freddie looked at Brian with eyes full of doubts, unsure to go through with his suggestion of calling Roger to ask him about something.   
“Bullshit, Bulsara. I’m double majoring and look at me, I still have time to do extra things if I search for it. I’m pretty sure he has only one major, so what are you waiting for? Call him!”  
Freddie stumbled back at his demanding major, holding his palms out in means to calm him down. Oh, no. He’d messed up. His secret almost spilled out in one wrong move. If he did it again, it would mark the end of everything.Freddie would leave him and Brian would be left alone, being an outsider as he had been all his life. Keep it in, he had to. Anger issues pushed anyone away at the very mention of it, so Brian had to be careful from now on, even if it meant hiding his true self.   
Freddie pressed on the keys, dialing in the number, looking back on his audition from every once in a while. He glanced over at Brian, who gave him a reassuring smile, and put his attention back to the call. The line finally picked up and a soft voice came from the other side.   
“Hello, is this Mr. Taylor?”  
A response spoke.   
“Well, I’ve got great news for you dear. You’ve got the spot!”  
The line went silent.   
“You’re going to be our new drummer, ring a bell?”  
The silence broke on the other side, a moment of realization coming through.  
“Well, Brian and I were hoping that you could come over sometime to see, you know, how much chemistry there is between all of us.”  
He stayed silent, waiting for a response.  
“Today? Sounds good. See you at eleven? Same place?”  
Another reply came through.   
“Great! See you later, Roger.”  
Freddie ended the call with a click, setting the telephone down. He grinned over at Brian, who returned the same expression. They had done it, and all that was left to do was to see how things folded out. The real test would be the greenlight that would let everything flourish and reach its full potential. After that was done, Brian and Freddie exchanged their goodbyes and parted their own ways, going on with the rest of their day. Hours seemed like seconds and before anyone knew, the time came to have the meet up. Brian exited through the glass doors and made his way through the campus, with one intention in mind. To find Freddie so that they could get on with what was to do today. Passing by face after face, they all sort of blended together after a while, it never came to his attention of how boring the world was. For the record, most of the people that came his way all looked the same, no defining features, somewhat like clones. After seconds of this, the one he had been searching for came. He sped up his steps, calling his attention to Freddie, who did the same. Once they found each other, they were on their way back to the music room. Stepping inside, they closed the door behind them and Freddie went over to the corner of the room while Brian looked up at the clock, smiling.   
“Ten minutes to spare, Roger should be here soon.”

As Roger walked into the room, the comforting nature of the place came back to him, calming him the slightest bit down, this time being better brought to him. The distant sound of a guitar being tuned rang a bell in his mind and he turned around to be met with the sight of Brian calmly strumming his guitar. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight, he appeared so peaceful, how he wished he could be like him, as calm and collected of a person. Sadly, things weren’t like that for him. His attention turned to his watch, sulking at the fact that he had arrived a tad on the late side. Now they would think that he didn’t care about the position and give it someone else that deserved it more than him in a heartbeat. Roger knew it was a bit of a far stretch, but it was the harsh truth. Before he could do anything, a pair of arms came into view, wrapping around him, getting real into it. All he could do was to stand there, dumbfounded by what went on, letting it sink in for a few seconds. 

“Oh, darling! You have finally arrived!” he cheered, letting go of him. “We’ve been waiting forever.”  
“It’s only been 10 minutes,” Brian said, looking up from his guitar.   
“Whatever, anyways, make yourself at home!”  
He lured him over to where the couches were and gestured over to them as Freddie took a seat, laying back, getting comfortable. Roger stood there, growing more uncomfortable by the second.   
“That’s hardly the point, Fred!”   
He shot up from the couch, stretching out, reluctant to get up and do some actual work.   
“Such a bore, Brian, but okay.”  
He trudged over to the microphone, picking it up. Roger figured out what he had to do fairly quick and took his spot at the drumset, ready for whatever it was that he waited for. A tinge of annoyance pinged Brian at Freddie’s actions and his cockiness that wasn’t really at all. He could’ve done loads better to prepare, but him being him, of course he didn’t. He groaned as he passed by him, handing Roger the music. He took his place in the front, ready for Freddie’s cue.   
“And a 1-2-3-4-1!”  
Without hesitation, they jammed out to music, blending in without effort and the sounds coming out from the jumble sounding what could only be described as beautiful. They never stopped to take a break, they kept going. Freddie sang his heart out, a side of him that no one had seen before coming out of the shadows. Song after song, they pretty soon ran over every piece, nothing left to do now that they were finished with everything. Freddie went off on his own way, sprawled out on the couch, never minding anything else that went on around him. Brian stood off to the corner of the room, minding his own business. Everything had gone as planned, even better than he had expected. Sparks of joy went off inside of him. This what he wanted for a long time, to bring people together with the beautiful art that was music. It always calmed him down when he most needed it and never failed to do so. He hoped it would do the same to the people that it reached, giving them the experience of a lifetime. The best thing about the whole thing was that he wouldn’t be alone to do it. His attention found its way to Roger, who stood a distance away, reading something. Perfect. This was the chance he’d been searching for all this time, get to know him. He made his way over to where he was, by his side. He continued reading, still lost in his own world.   
“Hello,” Brian said, in hopes of him noticing his presence.   
He stopped in his tracks, freezing up. He took a few moments before he looked up at him, his eyes meeting with Brian’s own. They widened and he stumbled back, regaining control. Lips trembled, but no words came out.   
“Oh, I...”  
Brian’s expression soon changed from a confident to confused one, watching as Roger struggled to get his point across.  
“I’m sorry, I have to go. Excuse me.”  
He turned on his heel and he was out of the room, away from sight. The door closed behind him and that was the last time anyone would see him in a while. Brian sulked down to the ground, taking a seat. How could he had been so insensitive? He shouldn’t have been so quick to move things along if Roger wasn’t ready for it, because he wasn’t. It was all Brian’s fault, he pressured him far too soon to talk to him. He would have to give it time, but for now, he had to accept the fact that he messed up big time.


	8. Unworthy

Pings of shame filled Roger with every second that passed by. They clawed at his helpless self, fueling the dark voice in his mind that spoke up whenever it wanted to, without warning and uninvited. Flashes of what happened back in the music room caved in, the echoes of every flaw he’d made and most of all, the desire in Brian’s voice to talk to him and he’d let him down. Why couldn’t he manage to have one normal conversation without messing things up? He ached for the instance where it happened but deep down, he knew it would never come. He couldn’t mentally do it. It scared him to say the least. He didn’t have a single idea of what went on with him, but the thing that haunted him was that he couldn’t do anything about it. The way his heart beat faster and faster with each word that left his mouth. The doubt that filled him, unable to be let out. Breaths becoming shallower until the moment came where he couldn’t breathe at all. The dark haze that fogged up his mind made him unable to see the reality of things. The cold sweat that filled the palms of his hands, and shaking that followed. He couldn’t control it, or stop it for that matter. He had to live with it. The other part of him fought against the side that found a problem in everything and turned things around, so that nothing mattered. Everyday was a matter of controlling the two sides, and that seemed impossible at times. They were kept to himself and no one else could ever interfere with them. That meant that he had to isolate himself if it helped to keep his secret away from the world. Today that almost ended with the others trying to talk to him. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, he couldn’t bring himself to talk to them. Everyone always assumed that he was a stuck-up person as he never talked to anyone, but that simply wasn’t true. Friends, they weren’t a thing that ever happened in his world. If he did have some, he would ruin them. No one would care to stay in his life if they knew about his personal issues. Even less if Freddie and Brian knew, they would kick him out of the band in an instant, so Roger kept his mouth shut, only speaking when necessary. He was unworthy of having anything good in his life, and that would never change.


	9. Assigned

The dark feeling grew stronger with each minute. Brian failed get himself to focus on anything but the shame that filled him. He couldn’t spend too much time dwelling on it, though, a long day was still ahead, at least he got some peace first thing in the morning. Since the practice session from a few days ago went excellent, things were looking up and they had now confined to a new schedule. Every morning, the first thing they did before going on to do anything else, was to practice together for the first few hours of the day before class sessions would start. They’d gotten off to a rough start in the beginning, but by now, they were used to it, as long as none of them had a problem with losing a couple hours of sleep. Brian’s thoughts were no use, they kept finding themselves all the way back to the day that he pressured Roger. He needed to apologize, that was the only way to get the thoughts out of his head. He glanced over to where he stood and made his way over to him. Before he could speak a single word, Roger spoke up first.   
“Hi...Sorry about how I-I acted a few days ago. I mean it.”  
Brian froze up at his words, he’d felt the same way about the situation? He thought it had been only him, but Roger proved him wrong, in a good way. The only thing that he found to be untrue was the fact that Roger took the blame for what happened. It stung Brian’s heart, it hadn’t been his fault for anything, he would make sure he knew it too.   
“No, no, you’re fine. You don’t have to be sorry for anything, you haven’t done anything wrong.”  
At his words, the tension inside Roger eased up the slightest bit. He hadn’t done anything wrong? That’s the best news he’d gotten these past few days. It always seemed as if it was his fault for anything that went wrong, the feeling that he got used to living with. Maybe everything wasn’t so bad as it appeared to be, something good could come out of it.   
A Few Days Later  
University sessions had started and it was that time of day where everyone got themselves together, rushing into their courses. Brian sat on the far end of the room, away from everyone else. He didn’t mind it though, peace and quiet was all he wanted, too much noise fogged his mind up anyway. People flooded in, taking their seats, going back to whatever they were doing prior, chatting along to their desires. All Brian could do was sigh at the sight. People wasted so much time talking about the past when they could imagine what was to come in the future for them. He couldn’t control them though, it wasn’t his life anyway. Roger sat off at the other end of the room by himself as well, spacing off into his own world.  
“Okay, everyone! Calm down.”  
Chatters faded away into the air, silence taking its place.   
“So I have a little gift for you all…”  
Cheers erupted out of the crowd of students, eager to find out what it was, not even caring to listen to the last of what the professor had to say.   
“I’m not done yet!”  
He waved his hands at the people who cheered and laughed, shutting them down.   
“I have a project that I need all of you to do that’s due by the end of the week.”  
Everyone’s attitude quickly turned around, gasps leaving the ones who thought it was going to be a good thing, and left them with no less than a wide open mouth. Soft groans echoed around the room as the words sunk in. The news didn’t phase Brian a bit, it hadn’t reached the condition which he had rather unpleasant feelings for. At least it wasn’t—  
“This will be a partner project, no going solo on this one.”  
Brian stopped at the words, refusing to let them get to him. Oh no, he didn’t. Yeah. He just did it. He hated nothing more than partner work, he despised it with all of his being if that’s what it took to get the message across. Bad experiences always came along his way when it came to these sorts of things, hopefully this one wouldn’t be as bad at all the past ones he had to do throughout his life. Just stay calm and everything would be fine. He slouched back in his chair, not really listening to anything of what went on. Only the words, build the interior of a cell and the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell came through to him, nothing else. Biology wasn’t in his best interests, but it was somehow related to his major in astrophysics.   
“Okay, go on, pair up and start working!”  
He snapped out of his zone, going back to reality. He struggled to get back on track as he had been caught off the rails, watching in confusion as people stood up, moving around the room. He sat around, not doing anything until it kicked in what he was supposed to be doing. Oh no, this was really happening. The more people set in, the more he internally freaked out. What was he supposed to do? Eyes scanned the room, looking for any possible person that he could at least work with for this one project. Nothing came to him until his gaze landed on Roger in the far end corner of the room. He sat at his seat, looking just as lost as Brian. He sunk down further, hiding away from everything. This was Brian’s chance, and he went for it without overthinking it.   
“Hey,” he said taking the spot next to him.   
He froze up for a second before he lifted his head up from his hiding place. Taking a glimpse at his eyes, meeting them after a few seconds, Brian couldn’t help but take note on the small smile forming onto Roger’s lips, a subtle one, but noticeable enough. He’d never see him smile at him once, and this brought something new to him. Without him knowing it, a smile of his own crept onto his face. Something about it, he loved seeing Roger happy.   
“Since we have to work in pairs, I was thinking that maybe you and I could maybe work together?”  
Not even a few seconds later, Roger’s response came through.   
“I’d like that.”


	10. Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the moment Roger and Brian had been waiting for become a reality?

Brian sat off on Roger’s bed, watching as he played around with the model of the cell. Brows curved down, only focusing on what he did. Brian hadn’t done much, but it wasn’t like he was complaining. Roger had the brains in this field, and it showed, his love for biology didn’t see an end coming to it anytime soon. He’d been at it for a few hours, no breaks whatsoever. They had originally planned to do the project in Brian’s dorm, but Roger said otherwise, that his dorm was “better suited” to do the job. Brian knew deep down the real reason behind it though, Roger felt at home if he stayed in his own place, finding his rare comfort and he wasn’t about to give it up so easily. He respected that. All thoughts came to a stop at a cry of pain.   
“Shit! Ouch!”  
Roger dropped the wood he had in hand to the ground, clutching his finger, blowing on it. All Brian could do was stare in shock. Roger had actually cussed out loud and as clear as could be, somewhat unusual for him to do. He never expected to live to the day where that happened, but it just did. Silence fell upon the room and Roger didn’t notice it until his mumbles were the only sound left. He looked up from his hand and at the shooken Brian.   
“Oh…”  
He gave out a nervous laugh, going up to his bed and planting himself onto it. Sprawled all over it, his semi-long hair spread out on the blanket. Eyes closed, clenching shut, a face of cringe soon spreading onto his face.   
“Sorry, I’m terrible at this, you don’t have to tell me!” he chuckled out under his breath, still refusing to see what went on. Brian didn’t let this get the best of him, he went in closer to him, his face mere inches from Roger, seeing what else he had to say.   
“You’re not, but if you insist.”  
He had no idea what got into him, but he couldn’t stop himself. Leaning in into Roger, nearing his lips. His hot breath brushed up against his skin, a calmness building up between them. Nothing interrupted them, and Brian went in even further, focused on him, waiting for the rest to happen. At that moment, Roger’s eyes shot open and once they were met with the sight of Brian, they widened but went back to normal as he continued the action. Doubts filled them, stalling in what he did. Thoughts piling up when he couldn’t do it anymore. He shot up from the bed, turning his back to Brian, who stood up from his place, standing behind him.   
“I...should get going.”  
Roger nodded weakly, facing the ground.   
Brian moved along, walking over to the door, his steps going along in the stillness of the room. Taking one last glance of what had happened, he left the room, closing the door behind him.


	11. Regret

Why did things have to end like that? This was all his own fault. Brian stood stranded in the middle of his dorm, contemplating things. Overthinking every little thing he’d done to make things go they way they went. Was it him? It was. Sparks of self-hatred went off inside him, fueling the rest of the fire ready to explode out of him. How could he have been this ignorant?! He knew Roger well enough to the point where he could tell that he was put under stress with the little things. He pressured him too much back at his dorm, he practically felt forced to go along with it. All his fault, no one else to blame. 

Nothing had changed since Brian left. Curled up in the corner of the room, soft sniffles left him, being the only sound in the stillness that swallowed the place. Every single thought leading back to what happened between Brian and him. He should’ve done something, he left him all on his own. Curling up tighter, he hid his face into his body, his sorrows overwhelming him. What could he have done? He couldn’t help it, he was like this. There wasn’t a way to change himself. Tears trickled onto his cheeks at the reason why he did it coming back to mind. He couldn’t do it. It wasn’t Brian at all, it never was. It was him. He couldn’t be with Brian. He would’ve ruined him. If they ever did, Roger would break him. There was no way anything could happen. One thing confused him out of his mind. Why? What had Brian seen in him? He would never want to be with him, especially with the mess of a person that he was. Only one thing was in his control, apologize for what happened.   
...  
Sounds of instruments faded away back into the silence of the room, letting the noise disappear into the air. Brian got his things together, packing up his guitar and was ready to leave to start yet another day of university. Music always had a calming effect on him, it was as his anger issues never existed, they hid in the shadows of his mind, not coming out unless they were triggered throughout the day. Playing music made his days a lot better too, he hadn’t woken up with the usual sense of irritation that waited to grow...yet. Melodies of the songs they had been playing earlier rang around in his mind, not wanting to leave. He hummed along the melody, on his way to leave the room when a voice behind him spoke.   
“Brian…”  
He snapped out his state of being lost in his thoughts, going back to reality. Turning around he was met with the sight of Roger behind him, a sweet look on his face. But also one that hid many secrets.   
“Can I talk to you about something?” The second he said it, nervousness trembled in his voice and he looked around, trying his best to look Brian in the eyes.   
Brian’s heart sunk at his question. Memories of the last time someone asked him that flooded in and he dreaded the end result that would come out of it. Tim. Things hadn’t gone so well last time, but something about Roger felt different to him. He couldn’t bear to say no.  
“Sure, what about?”  
Freddie walked by them, passing his way through the two, exchanging his goodbyes and was out the door.   
“About yesterday…”  
Brian knew exactly where he was going but he didn’t speak up sooner as it could still take a turn for something that had nothing to do with the event.   
“That moment between us back at my dorm...it was my—”  
No, he wouldn’t let him do this to himself.   
“No, it’s my bad. Sorry about that.”  
“But, Bri—” Roger started.   
“I should’ve known better than to just act out like that.”   
Roger stayed silent, looking down at the ground before he turned back up to Brian, giving him a look that said he still thought it was his fault.   
“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have pushed you away the way I did. On that note, how about we clear things up?”  
Was he doing what Brian thought he was doing?  
“How about we meet up in my dorm? Have a nice talk and forget about life for once? Just the two of us.”  
A warm feeling filled Brian on the inside, and a smile soon appeared on his face, not being able to hold back his joy. He’d been waiting for a time where they could just be themselves, get to know one another. The other reason being that Roger was finally opening up his anxious side taking a backseat. Good things. One thing he couldn’t let go of, Roger was finding trust in him.   
“Sure, that sounds great.”  
For the first time, Roger smiled through his mess of emotions without his anxiety holding him back for once. Eyes sparked up a shine in them, Brian never leaving their gaze.


	12. Moments

Last session of the day had ended and it was that time of day for people to relax for the rest of the day. Students left the room, flooding out the door as others were left behind, stuck in the traffic. Brian sighed at what went on, wanting to move on with his day, not forgetting about the plans Roger and him had sometime later. Grumbles of annoyance snapped him out of his state and he turned around to see Roger still at his desk, struggling to get his things together. Papers fell to the ground one after another, him taking care of other things, not bothering to pick them up. Brian’s heart sank at the sight and went to his side, not wanting to see him helpless anymore.   
“Are you doing alright there, Roger?”  
He turned back towards him, sweeping away the hair in his face, catching his breath.   
“Not really.”  
Brian went closer to him, ready to help him.   
“Here, let me help you with this, you kind of seem to be struggling there...”  
He picked up his textbooks, groaning as the weight of them kicked him, hanging on by a thread. Roger gave him a look that questioned if he could hang onto them, letting out a small laugh and Brian forced on a strong face, proving his strength to him. It didn’t matter to him though, it made things easier for Roger and that’s what he wanted. He picked up the rest of his belongings making his way past Brian and to the doorway. He followed behind him, trying his best to not let go of the books, his grip about to give out. Roger set his things onto the nearby ledge, holding his hands out to collect the textbooks Brian held.   
“I’ve got it from here, thank you.”  
He stepped back, not giving him the books. He had a better idea.   
“Mind if I walk you back to your dorm?”  
He froze up for a second before coming back to him with an answer.   
“Know what, why not?”  
He picked his things up and went out into the hallways, motioning Brian to follow him. They walked by the halls, passing through the emptiness that filled them. Silence, no sound at all, only the ones of their footsteps making their way to Roger’s dorm. Once they reached his door, he stopped and set his things down, opening the door. Bringing his stacks of papers in, Brian entered behind him, not being able to take the weight pulling on him. At the sight of a desk, he dropped the books on it, taking a moment to regain himself, rubbing the sore spots that were all over his arm. Stretching out, it didn’t come to him until he looked across the room at Roger already taking out some glasses.   
“Moet et Chandon it is,” he said pouring it in.   
Brian finished settling down, dropping down to the bed the first chance he got, letting himself to lay there. How did Roger do it? He’d almost broke his back for all he knew. Roger took a quick glance at him, smiling as he went over to him.   
“Maybe this would help,” he suggested, holding the drink out to Brian.  
“Thanks,” he said and sat up, taking it.   
Nothing better than forgetting about life for a while, drinking it away. Roger took a seat next to him, having his own drink, glancing around the room. There they were, in the silence, enjoying the moment to themselves. Roger’s attention landed on Brian, meeting his eyes, giving him a small smile, turning away afterwards. Something shifted in Brian, a thing that had never come to him until that moment. The longer he took a look at Roger, the more details became prominent. That was the first time that he thought of Roger as...beautiful. Memories from yesterday flooded in and the urge sparked up again, growing stronger with everything that had happened. He couldn’t control it anymore and he leaned in, scooting closer to him. Roger’s eyes met his and they closed. He knew he couldn’t let him do it, but his emotions didn’t allow themselves to be pushed away anymore. His heart led the way, his real feelings for Brian taking over. No going back now, he had to do it. Closer and closer, nearly there. Roger’s hot breath brushed up against his face, slow breaths after another, waiting for the moment. No more stalling, he had to do it. Sealing the gap between them, their lips met with a gentle kiss. Taking it slow, the stillness of the air around them matching the moment. Stopping for a brief moment, separating, they looked at one another in surprise. Brian went in for another one, his hand cupping around Roger’s face, bringing him close to him. A soft moan leaving Roger as he deepened the kiss, breaking the silence and enticing the feeling of wanting more. A sense of comfort filled Brian. It felt so right and he knew Roger felt the same way about it as well. Maybe this was what they both needed all this time.


	13. Possibilities

“So you’re saying that you found a bass player?” Brian asked, giving Freddie questioning look.  
“Yes, he should come in any second now.” Freddie leaned back in his chair.   
Brian wasn’t so sure about the situation, when it came to Freddie and his choosing of people, based on the last time he did it, things weren’t looking too good. But who knew? Maybe he actually brought in someone worthy of the position and it wasn’t like they could spend anymore time looking for one, either. Auditions were closing soon and once they were closed, that was it. Time limits and other things wouldn’t combine well in the mix if they kept stalling. The only thing they could do now was wait and hope for the best. What seemed like seconds after, the door opened the slightest bit and a face peeked in. Adjusting his bass, he made his way through the door and took a few steps into the room before he stumbled on something. Knocking down the amps in his way, they fell to the ground with a crash. His eyes widened, cringe spreading onto his face. He was quick to get them too, bending down to pick them up, making sure do it as fast as possible in order not to make such a scene. He snapped back up, hair hitting his face and swayed back, flailing his arms in front of him.   
“Woah!” he said, regaining his balance. Facing the other members, he gave out a nervous, shaky laugh, trying to hide the fact that he’d almost fallen. Clearing his throat, he stood around, ready to start.  
“What’s your name, darling?” Freddie asked.   
“John...John Deacon. And I will be playing my special song for all of you today.”  
Raising his bass, taking position, the room fell quiet. Taking a few moments to prepare, he took a deep breath and went for it. Note after note, doing a few runs in between, going up and down the neck of the bass as he pleased, never stopping once to take a break. Breaths of amazement escaped the others, nodding at whatever he did. Once he was done, he relaxed, letting go of all the tension he had and laid eyes on the others who stood there, looking at him with eyes of astonishment.   
“You’re in,” Freddie said, breaking the silence.   
“What?” he shot out of surprise.   
Roger and Brian froze in shock, staring at Freddie, wondering if he had officially lost his mind. He leant over to them, covering his mouth as he spoke into their ears.   
“I know best, trust me.”  
The two of them didn’t know what to think of Freddie’s words, they were both more focused on the fact that there was a new member of the band and that could be the start of something that they weren’t sure where it would end up. They now had one more person to hide the reality of what really went on between them from. Meeting eyes, it was almost as if they read each other’s minds, glancing over at John. It turned over to Freddie, who looked at him in a manner that could only say he liked him.


	14. Dread

Almost done. The interior of their cell project was in good shape, a few finishing touches and it would be perfect. Brian had gotten his share of work, he didn’t know what got into him, but the whole thing had finally clicked for him. Biology had never been one of his strong suits but after coming to his senses of how important it would be for his career in some way or another, he put his gears on and went on to do the work, pushing his slight disinterest for it out the window. John was a great help to them too, even though the project didn’t allow for other people to come in and help, Brian and Roger didn’t listen, letting John to do his own thing. They had no regrets, his engineering work was awesome, even though he was more into the electrical side of things. Roger was the one to put everything together, though. He went all out on the cell, putting his knowledge and passion for the subject to use. He stood in the corner of the room, dabbing on some last minute paint job. All his attention on it, focusing on getting the thing done, never paying attention to anything else.   
“More green paint, please.”  
Brian nodded, going through his mess of things, thrown around on his bed. Moving things out of the way, he searched for the paint, rummaging through the mess. The familiar container came into view, but the more he looked at it, the idea that it wasn’t the paint came to him. His curiosity taking over, he picked it up, inspecting it. Reading the label, he shook it around and that was when everything made sense to him. Pills. Was there a secret Roger hadn’t told him about?  
“Rog, what are these pills for?” he asked, holding them up.   
He took a glance at them and his face morphed into one of panic, eyes widening. Forgetting what he did, he rushed over to where Brian was, ready to take them back. He wouldn’t let him get him off with them that easily, and he pulled them away from his reach, he wanted answers.   
“Bri..please.”  
He met him with worried eyes, watering up. He couldn’t let him know that there was something wrong with him. That would ruin the perfect image Brian had in mind of him.   
“All I want to know is what they’re for…” Brian gave him the same expression. He meant no harm, he just wanted to know what was wrong. Roger slumped down on the bed, looking at the ground, not wanting to face Brian. Releasing heavy breaths, he froze up, not moving an inch. After what felt like forever, he turned towards Brian, dread in his face.   
“They’re...for my anxiety.” his trembling voice about to crack managed to say.   
Time stopped at his words. Aches filled his chest, sinking further the more it kicked in the fact that he wasn’t okay. The lump in his throat choking him up, struggling to breath. Brian always knew something wasn’t right about Roger, but hearing it come from him was a stab in the heart. Out of anything it could’ve been, it had to be something so serious. It wasn’t a joke. All he could do in that moment was to freeze up on the spot. Failing to accept the fact that this was reality.   
He couldn’t stop thinking about it. All his thoughts, despite trying hard not to focus on the situation, they always made their way back to the pain inside of knowing that Roger wasn’t okay. He didn’t want to think of him in that matter, as the one with issues. That was the title Brian had given himself for his anger problems out of the shame he felt for having them in the first place and no one else deserved to be called such a thing. He’d gotten the hang of it after a while, changing the direction of the dark thoughts to ways of how he could help him. Maybe his mind worked the same as his and in that case, the solution could be reached. But one problem stopped him in his tracks, what did make him feel better? Struggling to come up with an answer, he went through his memories of his past anger attacks. No, no…  
Peace.  
That was it.   
All they both needed was some peace in their lives and he knew the perfect place where they could get some.   
Chatters of people buzzed around the place, being morphed into one big mob of sound. The busy nature of the place growing with more students rushing in through the doors, going over to where their other friends were. Seats filling up quick, along with quietness fading away. Brian staring at what happened, eyes laid on Roger, who sat next to him and a face that said it all. Tearing up and trembling, becoming more nervous by the second. Pings struck at Brian, it pained him seeing Roger in his state.   
“You want to go outside, Rog?”  
He looked him in the eyes, shaking his head, glancing around elsewhere. No, he couldn’t let him go on the way he was. He felt as if he was a burden to him because of his problems and he had to let him know the truth.   
“No, it’s okay, we’re going.”  
He got up from his seat, going over to his side as he stood as well. Holding his arms out, Roger held onto them and followed behind. Leaving the scene, they walked out the dining hall doors and away from everyone else. Strolling through pathways, calmness came over both of them. Fresh breezes brushing up against them, the all too familiar aroma of flowers filling the air. Their steps being the only sound present, nothing else to take away from the moment. Reaching up to a nearby ledge shaded by overhanging trees, they took a seat, enjoying the time to themselves. Brian’s mind cleared up for once, focusing on the beauty of went on around him when the idea from yesterday came back. Even though he didn’t know all the possible outcomes it could end with, it wouldn’t hurt to ask. After all, this would not only help Roger, but Brian as well for the best.   
“So, about yesterday…”  
Roger looked him in the eyes, worry filling them but managed to put his full attention to him, following what he said. Keep going, don’t stop now.   
“Now, I know that I can’t cure you but there’s this place, a special one. It always helps me to clear everything off of my mind and I’m hoping that it would do the same for you. Would you want to hangout sometime later there?”  
Roger looked away, glancing around the place as he made up his mind, putting his thinking face on. Seconds later, he went back to Brian with an answer.  
“Sure.”


	15. Special Places

What seemed like a few moments, day turned into early dusk, falling upon everyone before they knew it. It also meant that the time for Roger and Brian to go along to his special place arrived. Roger walked out his dorm door, being met with the cool breeze brushing up against his skin, taking some time to get used to it. Closing the door behind him, he stepped out onto the parking lot, his steps pounding against the concrete. He scanned the lot, searching for the familiar sight of Brian when his attention landed on him some distance away, waiting by his car. As he made his way over to him, Brian switched sides, going to the passenger side and opened the door for Roger. Meeting eyes for a second, he gave him a small smile, hopping into the car. Not too long after that, he went around to the driver side, taking his spot on the right side, inserting the key in. Reversing the car, they were on their way to who knows where.   
“Bri, where exactly are we going?” Roger asked, taking a look out the window.   
“It’s a surprise, but I think you’d really enjoy it,” he replied, eyes staying on the path ahead.   
Roger hated not knowing things and he would try again to get answers out of Brian, it couldn’t hurt, anyway. He’d at least give him a hint, right?  
“Hint, please?”  
“Nope, you just have to wait.” He chuckled under his breath.  
Roger sat there, sighing as he slumped in his seat, looking out the window. Going along the road, buildings swept by in a blurb, one after another. Reaching the city part left him speechless, the beauty of the sight overtaking him. Overhanging lights shining off the window and people strolling around the place, their chatters being muffled. All Roger could do was sit there, stunned by the whole thing. He’d never been in these sorts of areas, and he never intended to either. Being in a crowded area made his stomach drop and the thought of having to go through that made things even worse, but knowing that he was safe inside the car brought a sense of comfort to him. Leaving the scene, cities soon turned into woodlands, trees being the only thing in sight, zooming by, no change at all. His attention diverted to the map Brian had in hand, glancing at it every so often. Suspicions grew in Roger’s mind, hadn’t Brian already known where to go?  
“I thought you already knew where this place you’re taking us to was.”  
Brian whipped around to face him at his words, his face scrunched into one of cringe, showing a hint of embarrassment.  
“Uh yeah...about that.”  
It wasn’t that he didn’t know where he was going, but that he hadn’t been to the place enough times to remember everything to the exact detail. He would work on it though. After all, he only came here for the times that he needed to, which were on occasion.   
“I do know where we’re going. Just bear with me for right now.” he let out a nervous laugh.  
Smiling at Brian, Roger giggled at his response, Brian going back to the road. He couldn’t help but sneak a little peek at the map, Brian wouldn’t mind, would he? He wouldn’t notice anyway. Leaning over in his seat, trying to get a view of the location. Eyes scanned the map, but not able to see the exact name of the place. Leaning in closer and closer, careful not to catch Brian’s attention. Focusing on the circled area, before he could read anything a hand slapped down on the map, pulling it away. Roger jumped at the sudden movement, meeting his wide eyes with Brian’s own.   
“No peeking, it’s a surprise still. Besides, we’re nearly there,” he said, sarcasm in his voice.   
“Fine, you don’t have to tell me, but I want to know how long this ride really is.”  
“Yeah...about 3 hours from here.”  
Roger stopped in his tracks, the words failing to sink in to him, taking a moment to recollect himself.   
“3 hours? Brian are you being serious?!”  
“Yup,” he replied, popping the p.   
“You know I can’t focus on anything more than a few minutes, much less sit in a car for 3 hours!” Roger complained.  
“Rog, stop. You’re acting like a child and look who’s talking, you spend hours on biology things, I’m pretty sure you can survive a three hour ride.”   
Roger sunk into his seat, sighing as embarrassment struck him. Brian wasn’t wrong, though. He did love spending as much time as he could when it came to his interests and staying stuck in a car wasn’t one of them.   
“Three hours...fantastic,” he mumbled under his breath.   
Brian didn’t reply, huffing out a heavy breath, not replying to Roger and instead keeping his eyes on the road. Roger sunk further into his seat, folding his arms over his chest.   
After a while of doing nothing, his gaze landed on Brian, Having a slight smile, his hazel eyes having a calm nature to them as he hummed along the buzz of the engine. A state of peace was the vibes he gave off and Roger continued eyeing him, watching dark shadows passing one by one. Brian must’ve noticed Roger’s staring and he looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, chuckling as he was quick to turn away. The stillness of the atmosphere came to his attention, fueling the awkward moment between the two.   
“You know you can turn the radio on, right?”  
Roger mouthed the words “oh” and he leant forward, turning the knob on the radio. Pink Floyd music blared out of the somewhat crappy speakers, but he didn’t mind.   
“And it’s high time, Cymbaline  
It’s high time, Cymbaline  
Please...wake me.”  
Humming along to the song, he began to doze off into a sleep. He wouldn’t mind a nap, but his mind thought otherwise, racing thoughts of all bad things being the only things that he could think about. He would try though, doing his best to focus on his breathing Head laid gently on the window, arms resting by his side. Eyelids felt heavy, pulling him deeper into a state of drowse.   
“You can rest if you want.”  
Brian’s voice lingered in his mind, sleepiness getting the best of Roger, giving him a weak nod until he was out, into his own world.   
…  
The familiar buzz of the engine was gone, the car coming to a slow stop. Brian turned towards the sleeping Roger, with peace overtaking him. A smile made a way onto Brian’s face, he looked so...calm. What a shame he would have to wake him up now.   
“Roger? We’re here, you can wake up now,” Brian cooed over to him, his breath brushing up against Roger’s skin.   
Eyes opened and he stretched out, a few sores here and there from sitting for so long, but anyhow, at least the ridiculously long car ride was over. Yawns left him, still refusing to let his mind fully wake up. He could use just one more minute, shutting his eyes. A voice spoke once more into his ear.   
“C’mon...Roggie…”  
He didn’t know what came into him in the moment, but he snapped back awake, heat rising up in his cheeks. Blushing, oh great, now Brian could see exactly what he thought of the name.   
“Mhm, hi..” Roger spoke up, grogginess in his voice. Sight landed outside where it was now full blown out night, any trace of sunlight being long gone.   
“Where are we?” he asked, opening his door, stepping out.   
“Falls of Falloch, Scotland.”  
“You drove us to another country?”  
“It’s still in the UK, so it’s not like we wandered off too far.”   
Roger pushed back stray hairs in his face, taking in what the scene had to offer. Ahead were trees, lush leaves hiding what was behind them. Apart from everything, the distant sound of water falling rumbled in the air, mist coming out from under the shadows.  
“Wow...Bri.”  
“Here.” He took his hand, leading him further into the woods and closer to the source of everything. They came to a halt, and Roger looked up from his spot, staring in awe at the waterfall rushing downwards, into the water beneath it, perfect for swimming. Standing there, staring at it, he didn’t take note of what happened behind them. It wasn’t until thuds came into consideration that he turned around, being met with Brian undressing himself. Eyes widened and he continued looking at him. He must’ve weirded him out as he finally met eyes with him and Roger turned away quickly, not wanting to come off as creepy.   
“Aren’t you coming?” he asked, walking toward the waterfall.   
He stood there, unsure of what to do.   
“Well, do what you want! You are welcome to join anytime!” He walked out of sight, behind the waterfall.   
What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just stand here all day, he had to do something or else the whole trip would’ve been for nothing and he didn’t need that burden to be put on Brian. Hell, he urged to go swim like the next person would, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. What if Brian hated how he looked like? Roger never really liked what his body looked like and didn’t think anyone else would either. He’d never been the type to be classified as attractive in other people’s eyes and after a while, he came to believe it too. Why would this time be any different? As much as his thoughts troubled him, he didn’t care anymore and undressed himself, still having the underlying voices telling him that he’d made a terrible mistake and to go back, but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything at that point. Full of doubts, he made his way over to the waterfall and as soon as he laid eyes on Brian smiling, waiting for excitement, everything felt better and that it was going to be okay.   
“You ready?”  
Roger gave him a face of confusion and everything went out the window when Brian jumped off the cliff, into the water below. Splashing sounds reaching his ears and his cheers of excitement. Oh no, he didn’t. Nope, there was no way that he would be jumping off a cliff anytime soon. Going back down to the ground crossed his mind for a second, but he wouldn’t give up so easily. He had to prove himself and being scared wasn’t going to do any good. Taking deep breaths, he stepped to the edge of the cliff, hesitating to open his eyes. Opening them and the deep pit of endless water was the first thing to be seen. Staring down upon it, eyes widened and any sort of calmness wiped out, leaving him with every single negative feeling there was. Body trembled, locking up in every place, unable to move. Breaking out into a cold sweat, chills went down his spine, shuddering him. Heart pounded faster and faster, speeding up with every moment, wanting to jump out of his chest. Thoughts were unclear and hazy, blurring any sort of solutions of what to do. He just stood there, waiting for the thing that he couldn’t do. Brian turned up to him, looking at him from where he was with his full attention.  
“Roger?! Are you okay up there?!”  
He could hear his words, but unable to process them.   
“Roger?”  
He didn’t move.   
“Can you hear me?!”  
Mind went blank, and he stayed in his spot, never moving. Brian moved out of the water and out onto the rocks, making his way over to Roger. Before he knew it, Brian was at his side, looking at him with eyes of worry, wanting to know what was wrong. He met eyes with him, not saying anything.   
“It’s going to be okay, we’re getting you off here.”  
He went to move him out of the way, but Roger shooed his hand away, and Brian backed off in confusion.   
“I want to do it.”  
He stared down at the water and Brian inched closer to him.  
“May I?” He held his hand out.   
Roger nodded and Brian took his hand, grasping it tightly, never letting go. Having Brian holding onto him calmed his nerves down a notch, and his urge to jump came back once more. Giving Brian the signal, they jumped off, air brushing up against them. Roger’s screams showing both sheer terror and excitement as he flailed around in the air, still holding onto Brian. Water came into the picture and they fell into it, submerging for a second. Splashes flew everywhere, ecstatic laughter coming from Brian. Roger floated up from the water, thrashing around.   
“Brian! Where are you?!”  
He swam up to where he was and held onto him, Roger holding on for dear life. Afterwards, words that he never expected to hear came out without warning, being a shock to Brian.   
“Let’s do it again,” Roger said, eyes filled with eagerness.   
Indeed they were going to do it again. Jump after jump and all the cheers coming out of it, time had never been spent having so much fun. Despite Roger being terrified at first, he’d become used to it after a few times and that was great progress. Brian filled with joy seeing him happy, he hadn’t seen him like that in ages, if ever. It made him complete. Night hit its peak, the moon shining in the sky as bright as ever. By that time, things had slowed down and settled in. Roger sat on the brink of the shore, getting lost in his own thoughts, never paying attention to anything else. Good, this was the chance Brian had been waiting for, he took out his surprise, hiding it behind his back, going up to him.   
“Rog, come, there’s something else I want you to see.”  
He held his hand out and before Roger could take it, his attention landed on what was behind Brian. He looked over his shoulder, but he couldn’t make out what it was.   
“What’s behind you?”  
He stepped away, making sure it wasn’t in his field of sight.  
“Oh, just a surprise, you’ll see.”  
Roger wasn’t that satisfied with the answer he got, but would stop asking questions for the sake of not annoying Brian too much. He held his hand and Brian led him into the unknown. Walking further away from the waterfall and the rumble of everything, trees came into the pictures, pushing past shrubs. A dark feeling filled Roger, where was he being taken to? Darkness swallowed more of the place with every step they took, he didn’t like where this was going. He opened his mouth to say the words but he halted in his tracks.   
“Here we go,” he said, taking a few steps, stopping in front of something.  
Wonder took over Roger and he stepped closer to where Brian was, still unsure of what was to come. Taking one last glance at Brian, he laid eyes upon the scene, stopping everything that went on. Eyes widened at what went on around him, taking in the beauty of it. Moonlight illuminated the waterfall, glistening as it rushed down into the body of water, shining with the light bouncing off of it. Foam bubbles surrounding the rim of the water, becoming bigger by the second. Turning up towards the sky, it was another story. Gray clouds moving along the dark sky with mixes of purple sprinkled in. The thing that pieced everything together was the moon, shining its beauty onto anything it laid on. All of that being a shock to the senses, Roger took a few moments to come back to reality.   
“This is...beautiful.”  
He wandered over to one of the rocks, taking a seat. The lake being endless with ripples growing from the waterfall flowing down into it, small waves rushing up against the shore and splashing on the rocks. Brian had been right all along, this place was the perfect to relax and let go of life.   
“You want to come and sit?”  
Turning around, a large blanket spread out in the middle of the ground with a basket on top of it came into sight. Roger smiled, hopping off the rock and going over to it. Damn, he never thought Brian was this romantic. Even though it wasn’t official, he would still count this as a date nevertheless, despite his feelings for him being one sided.   
“Brian all of this...you didn’t have to do this for me.”  
“Yes, I did. You’ve been so stressed out lately and I hate seeing you upset. Besides, I wanted someone else to share this special place with, not just myself.”  
“Bri, thank you. It’s perfect.”  
Giving each other gentle smiles, Roger took his place on the blanket, getting comfortable as Brian got down to his level. He reached into the basket, finally revealing the mystery of what was inside to Roger. Taking out some extra blankets and two tall glasses, and some food, there came along a bottle of champagne to top it off.   
“Where’d you find all the time to plan all of this?” Roger asked with surprise as Brian poured the champagne into both glasses.  
“Ages ago, I’ve been planning to take you here for some time now and today was when I decided to make that a reality.”  
Roger appreciated that he did this for him but he wanted some answers too, it confused him somehow.  
“Bri...still, you didn’t have to do this, especially for someone like me—”  
“Of course I had to. You may not know this, but I care about you so much…”  
Mixed feelings came along with his words. Roger had been looking for someone to care for him in a way that he couldn’t do himself but it also made him feel worse in a way. Anyhow, he’d focus on the positives for now, considering the circumstances.   
“So tell me, what exactly is anxiety?” Brian asked, taking a sip of champagne.   
“A bitch.”  
Stopping in his tracks, Brian spit out his drink.   
“Roger!”  
“It’s true!”  
He hadn’t been prepared for this. Despite hearing him swear before, it was still a shock to him, and he didn’t know why.   
“Alright, but explain to me what it is, what does it feel like to you.”  
Thinking about it for a few moments, Roger had to explain it in the best way possible so Brian would understand.   
“Take being nervous but it’s as if the world is ending. You start to shake, hands trembling. The little breath you have is sucked out of you, leaving you with nothing else to breathe. You feel lightheaded, your mind spinning out of control, tricking you into thinking that you can’t do anything about it, an invisible force taking over your mind and body and all there is to do is to let yourself drown in that pit of despair.”  
“I..I-I had no idea…I’m sorry…”  
“Please, don’t feel bad for me, I’ll get through this—” Roger reassured him.   
“But you shouldn’t have to go through it alone,” Brian said, worry in his voice.   
“It’s going to be okay, Brian. I’ll be fine…”  
“What if one day you’re not fine? Then what?”  
Roger stopped his words, stuck on what to say.  
“I can count on myself, besides anything I do won’t help with anything. I’ll still have my attacks, there’s nothing that can fix me.”  
Brian sulked down, facing the ground.  
“Roger, it scares me...depression comes along with anxiety most times, the thought of that happening to you scares me, I don’t want that to happen...” He turned up to him, meeting his eyes.   
Brian really cared all this time and Roger could see that, but he couldn’t figure out why someone would go through all the trouble worrying for him. He would try to make him feel better about it though.   
“Listen..I’ll get help if it makes you feel any better.”  
“You don’t have to if makes you uncomfort—”  
“No, it’s fine. I probably need to anyway.”  
“I just don’t want you alone through all of this.”  
Roger stayed speechless. He still couldn’t get over the fact that someone was willing to look after him with his problems. He couldn’t have asked for anything better, but the voice in the back of his mind said otherwise. Maybe telling Brian about his anxiety had been a big mistake and the last thing he wanted was to be vulnerable and hurt him without meaning to.   
…  
Silence fell upon them after their talk, being left with only them and the light crashes of the waterfall from a distance. Without saying anything, Brian took one of the blankets, covering Roger as he shivered. He leant forward and wrapped his arms around him. Roger squeezed his arms gently, burying his face into his embrace. Soon enough, he fell asleep with his head on Brian’s lap, calm as could be. The night had settled in, a few faint stars in the sky glowing in it. It was getting late and Brian had his own tiredness coming along, the time to leave had come.   
“Roggie...it’s time to go,” he whispered over to him, nudging his shoulder.  
“Hmm..want to stay…”  
“I know, but we can’t, love.”  
Brian gently moved Roger’s head from his lap and got the last of their things together. Love, he didn’t know, it just came to him. Roger didn’t seem to notice though, as he was tired from his nap. Maybe he could use some help, Brian wouldn’t mind giving him a little lift. Tying the blanket with the basket inside, he pulled it up onto his shoulders, wearing it like a backpack. He walked over to Roger and being careful with him, he scooped him up into his arms bridal style.   
“Brian! What are you doing?!” Roger shrieked, holding onto him for dear life.   
“You seem tired, so I’m carrying you.”  
Brian glanced down at the terrified Roger who looked back up at him with wide eyes. Once he took note of Brian’s gaze, color flushed to his face, turning redder by the second. He grasped tighter onto him as Brian went on his way back to where they started. Going further on his path, Roger nestled his face into Brian, releasing a sigh of satisfaction. It never came to his attention but Roger was beautiful. His skin glowed in the moonlight, bringing all the details of his face into the light. Stray strands of hair covered his eyelids, framing the rest of his face, everything else being easier to get a look at. Lips parted into a bow shape, curving the slightest at times into a small smile. To finish it off, his long thick lashes rested on his eyelids being covered with small wisps of hair. Absolutely stunning. His thoughts came to a halt, one thing remaining that was a mystery to him.   
One second.   
He didn’t like Roger in that way, did he? No, it couldn’t be. It was only a simple crush that would fade away sooner or later. He was his best friend! He’d known him for a while now and if things took a turn in that direction, everything would become awkward between them. Even if he wanted to have a relationship with Roger, it could never happen. If he asked him out on an actual date, their friendship would be ruined either ways. He would reject him and if they did start dating, anything could go wrong and that would be it for them. He couldn’t read his mind, but something told him that he wasn’t the one to go and settle down into a relationship. It didn’t seem like him. After the long walk was over, they finally reached the car. It had taken longer than Brian had intended for it to be, but since he carried Roger, it made sense for it to have gone that way. He was still asleep in his arms, grip as tight as ever and Brian didn’t want to admit it but he looked adorable. Too bad he couldn’t have him to himself, no matter how much he wanted to. Sighing, he opened the door, lowering Roger down into the seat, being careful not to drop him.   
“Bri?...”  
“Right here, Rog. Go back to sleep.”  
Closing the door, Brian rushed over to the driver’s side and made his way inside. Tossing the basket into the backseat, he started the car. Eyes landed on the sleeping Roger next to him, the blanket still wrapped around him. He appeared so calm, not a care in the world. Brian loved nothing more than seeing him like this. In peace.   
…  
They’d gotten back to campus and Brian being Brian, he offered to take Roger back to his dorm. He wanted to make sure he got back safe even if they were going to the same place, the mob by the name of the Tormentors had been growing and he didn’t like the idea that they could attack at any time. Roger didn’t seem to get the message though.   
“I’m fine, what could’ve happened between here and parking lot?”  
Not wanting to scare Roger, he made up a small lie that spoke subtle hints of what went on, but not enough for him to piece things together.   
“Lots of things.” He shuddered at the dark thoughts that came with it.   
“Bri?...” he asked, meeting eyes with him.   
All his worries went away at Roger words, neverminding what went on around him. The only thing he cared about in the moment was what Roger had to say. It didn’t come for some reason. Roger froze up, becoming speechless, unable to think of what to say under Brian’s gaze. Oh no, this really was happening. The feelings he’d pushed away for so long came back to his full attention, his dreaded one that is. He didn’t have a crush on Brian, they were just friends, it was that simple.   
“Oh..I just..uh..”  
Brian continued waiting for a response, staring at him with patience.   
“I wanted to say, thank you for tonight and everything you have done for me. I know I’m always bothering you with my problems, being overdramatic most of the—”  
“Rog, it’s not that. You’ve never been a bother to me.”  
“Oh, I…”  
Before he could say anything, he was silenced by Brian’s finger on his lips.   
“You don’t have to thank me for anything. It’s all my pleasure.”  
Getting lost in his eyes, Roger gave him a small nod, not being able to focus on anything else. Brian slowly leaned in his direction, closer and closer to his face. Mere inches away, Roger froze up in place, letting Brian do his thing. Breaths wavering, time stopping around them. Stomach turned up and down, filling with butterflies, his legs feeling like they could give out any moment from the pressure. How he wished he could have his lips pressed up against his own. Going in to make the final move, steps from a distance and a door opening came into Roger’s attention and he pushed Brian away, filling with worry. Backing into the wall, he looked around to see nothing in the darkness beyond.  
“I…I should go now,” Brian croaked out.  
Roger nodded and reached for the doorknob going inside and shutting the door. Self hatred flowed back into him as he paced around the room, and jumped into bed. He didn’t bother changing, all he could do was to turn the light off, letting the darkness swallow him. Squeezing a pillow close to him, he tried his best to fall asleep. It never came easy to him anyway, but tonight it became worse than any other night. His thoughts always made their way back to Brian and what had happened tonight. He didn’t know what to feel about the situation but there was one thing that he was certain of. Brian hated him now.


	16. Lessons

Warning: homophobic language ahead. Nothing hardcore or hurtful, just some light slurs.   
He couldn’t let go of it, he simply couldn’t. No matter what Roger tried the dark voice kept coming back with new things to destroy his already low-self esteem every time. It didn’t give him any leeway, he was stuck in the state of mind that was destructive. He couldn’t break out of it, nothing worked. Brian had tried talking to him, but Roger refused to believe that he didn't hate him as it was true to him. The others also tried figuring out what went on with him, but he gave them no answers. Isolating himself all day, he’d become used to it, he never had that many friends after all, most of them abandoning as soon as his anxiety came into play. Instead, he kept busy all day, keeping to himself, making sure that he would go unnoticed. That meant going to his shift at the job he couldn't give two shits about. At least he would be alone all day and that’s what mattered. TIme didn’t care for his plans at all, dusk soon came along and it signaled that he had to go back home, which was bad news in his book. Walking along his way back, he passed through alleys, one of the shortcuts he’d discovered earlier. Cold air brushed up against his skin, shuddering at it, making his way back faster. Silence filled the path, the only sounds being of his steps and heavy breaths. With every second, an uneasy feeling filled him, what if he wasn’t alone all this time? It was quiet, but a tad too quiet, something wasn’t right. Slowing down his tracks, he kept going, now cautious of what went on around him. Every sound made him jump, unsure of where or what it came from. Trying not to focus on the reality of the situation, a loud crash snapped him out of it. Whipping around he caught sight of several dark figures, before he went back to his frozen state, his back facing them. Knowing he had to do something, he broke out of his fear, slowly turning around, his mind freaking out with all the possibilities of what could be waiting for him. Shaking in his actions, he faced his worst fear. At the first sight of them, he knew exactly who they were, the mob that everyone had been talking about. The Tormentors.   
“Hey, faggot!”  
They inched closer and closer to him, surrounding him on all sides. Roger’s stomach dropped at the horrifying discovery. Last night, there had really been someone outside and it was them, watching Brian and him about to kiss. Hands trembled, grasping at one another, turning ice cold. Sweat dribbled down his forehead, chills spreading throughout him. Time seemed to stop, no one left but the Tormentors and him. They were now directly at his side, nowhere left to go. Their hostile nature being radiated onto Roger, the menacing stares behind their masks reaching his soul. Losing his focus for one second, he was slammed into the wall, bones crushing against it. Crashing down to the ground on his side, he struggled to get up. Rocks and gravel dug into his palms as he tried to stand, legs about to give out. Nearly there when a foot stamp down on him, sending back to where he started. Pushing down on his back, he couldn’t move. Voices roared in the distance and footsteps ran in his direction. Picking him up by force, they threw him into the wall, head smashing against it. Vision flashed black for a few seconds, turning hazy and distorted. Bouncing back to them, they took ahold of him, grabbing onto him so he couldn’t move. The ringleader charged up to him, his huffs tingling along Roger’s skin, bringing every dark feeling into the light. His grin wide, full of mischief and eyes lacking any sympathy or emotions for that matter. He turned his back to him and in a split second he whipped around, fists slamming into Roger’s face. Punches came, one after another. Eyes rolled back into his head, waves of nausea surging through him, high pitched ringing in his ears grew louder. It cancelled out the harsh voices of the other tormentors and his own cries of pain. He squirmed in their grip and fell to the ground, still being held onto. Before he could take the chance to escape, a knee smashing into his torso was enough to set things off. His gut turned inside out, purging everything it had. Coughs came without hesitation, spilling what he had without stops. Gags left him when another swing came his way. Vision went blurry, stained in red, flashing white. Blood smeared all over his face, being able to taste it on his lips. Field of sight closed in but out of the corner of his eye, a blade was revealed out of the shadows. Screams of horror echoed when a gag was stuffed into his mouth, muffling them. Panic spread over Roger, whimpers leaving him every second and eyes widening as it came closer to him. Trying to break out of their grasp, they tightened his grip on him, holding him down by force. Inching closer, it reached his skin, digging into it, waiting for the rest to happen. Roars of laughter erupted out of them as they sliced into his skin, Roger crying and shutting his eyes with all of his force, shrieking louder than ever. Blood oozed out of the gash, its warm touch being horrifying to Roger, sending him into a state of uncontrollable panic. The cutter’s hand being doused in the blood, continuing to do his thing. Roger wrestled around, trying to break free, kicking his legs up and squirming around, yanking his arms, but being held onto. The cutter stopped, looking into his tear filled, red eyes.   
“So that’s how you want it, huh?”  
“C’mon Tim, do it!” one of the others yelled at him.   
He chuckled at their response and moved closer to where Roger was, grabbing ahold of his arm and cutting into it, engraving FAG into it. Roger screeched and screamed for his life, still trying to fight back when they began to cut into his forehead. He couldn’t do it anymore, he thrashed around in their grip, finally escaping their grasp. They all let go, him crashing to the ground. They went on their own ways, leaving Roger wailing and bawling on the ground in what was pure agony.   
“Hope this taught you a lesson, you gay fuck.” one of the them taunted, laughing. They left the scene, their heavy steps rumbling the ground underneath Roger and out of sight. Thrashing around, he slammed into the wall, desperate to make the pain stop. Stings of the cuts paralyzed him, but he kept the pain inside. It wouldn’t stop, they kept burning, spreading their fire throughout him. Using the last bit of energy he had left, he rolled onto his side. Hands clawed at the ground, keeping him upright and tried standing. Legs gave out, sending back to the floor. Don’t give up. He grit his teeth, clenching them shut, trying not to scream. Forcing himself to stand up, groans burned up in his throat, frustrated at the whole situation. It took everything he had to handle it, but he went on his way, walking himself back to safety. Shooting pain arising out from the wounds almost made him want to stop, but he pulled through. Saliva dripping down his chin, covered in blood smothered all over his face. Filling with lightheadedness, on the verge of fainting, eyes struggling to keep open, vision blurred, the whole place swaying around him. No, don’t stop, keep going...The sight of his dorm soon came into view and a sense of relief filled Roger. He stepped in, struggling with his uneven limp, yelping out in pain as he shut the door behind him. Making his way into the bathroom, he turned the tap on, his trembling blood-drenched hands pushing the water up to his beat up face. Turning it off, he stood there for a few seconds in the silence, still hiding his face away. Looking up to the mirror, there he was, in the worst state that he could possibly have been in. Tears spilled out onto his bruised and swollen cheeks, their saltiness bringing the sting and burn that filled him. Sobs left him as he fell to the ground on his knees. How could he have let this happen to him?


	17. Confrontations

Disclaimer: discusses eating disorders  
Distance. Exactly what he was doing. He wasn’t the same after the fight, everything had changed and took a turn for the worst. Now, he could’ve gotten over it like a normal person, but that was the thing, he wasn’t normal. His mind wouldn’t let him move on in life and instead he was stuck in this state of being numb but at the same time being oversensitive. He didn’t know what to feel anymore. Things only went downhill after the fight. That night after getting one of the worst beatings in his life, he went back to his old habits, isolating himself in his dorm, left alone with only his thoughts and him. Dark things were all that his thoughts were, haunting memories from his past that came out of the shadows to his dreaded attention. He never wanted to go back to them, but they wouldn’t leave no matter how much he tried pushing them away. His dreams turned into nightmares, him waking up in shrieks, heart pounding out of chest, in what was pure hysterics. Anxiety attacks flooded in as if there was no tomorrow, one after the other, pulling him deeper into the void of no return. Scars filled him, both on the outside and inside. His self esteem lowering by the day, not that he had any since the start. He hated the fact that he lost control over his own life, made him feel far worse about himself. Answers being hard to find, one finally came to his attention. Food. That was one thing and the only thing that he had control over at this point. He used it as an outlet for his problems and the difficulty for him to cope with them, and it felt good for the first few days, until the dreaded side effects kicked in. Nausea always being present, swaying his world around and not to mention the horrible migraines that came along with it, ringing in his ears growing and him having to stop whatever he did in the moment to handle the pain. Hands and feet were always cold to the touch and numb, their icy and cold nature shuddering him. Those things didn’t matter to him the slightest bit, what was important to him was the sense of self control he gained from it, a feeling that he lacked. Secrets were something he kept to himself too. He’d been hiding everything from the others, not letting them get through to him, no matter what. Brian’s way of seeing him changed. Even though Roger didn’t hear it from him directly, he could sense the impatience in him growing every time he pushed him away. One of these days he would snap, no doubt. The others started to get worried as well, them being confused and left in the dark. They begged him to know what was wrong, but Roger wasn’t ready to to tell them, not even himself. Knocks of the door broke the silence of the room. Roger looked up from his spot in the corner, dreaded thoughts of who it could be coming to mind. Why couldn’t they understand? He just wanted to be left alone, was that too much to ask for?   
“Roger, it’s me, Brian. Please let me in, I want to talk to you.”  
Brian. His heart ached at the thought of having to shut him out once more, but he had to. He couldn’t let him see him like this.   
“Please, I’m worried sick about you.”  
That’s it. Not resisting the urge anymore, he forced himself out of his spot, opening the door. Making sure the blanket he had covered his body, or else Brian wouldn't be leaving him alone anytime soon. At the sight of his face, a hidden part of him calmed down, filling with a sense of comfort, a sensation that was a stranger to Roger. Seeing Brian always made his day that much better and it didn’t fail even in these days. Still, he wanted him to make it fast, so he wouldn’t have enough time to hurt him in any manner.   
“Hey…” he barely managed to croak out, his voice being so weak.   
Brian’s expression merged into one of worry, not liking what he’d heard.   
“My goodness...Roger, you don’t sound well, are you sure everything’s okay?”  
Oh, how he wished everything was going to be fine.   
“Brimi...not really the best time to t-talk about this.”  
He made his way over to his bed, sulking down on it, facing the ground. Maybe letting him in had been a huge mistake, he wasn’t ready to be confronted with questions for the millionth time. A body shifted next to him, sinking the bed down on his side.   
“Tell me what’s wrong, I want to help.”  
“I-I can’t…”  
All this time, getting no answers, Brian was starting to get tired of it really quick. Well, he had already been fed up with Roger all this time and he finally came to terms with it. Teeth clenched closed, body tensing up by the second. The hot fury that was only a spark since the start burning up to become a flame. He wouldn’t deal with this anymore, he wanted answers and would get them, no matter what it took.   
“Tell me,” his voice growled out, radiating its hostility onto Roger. He turned towards him, with a face of concern, confused as to what went on. Nothing. That was it. No more. The flame erupted inside of him, ready to be released, no longer being able to be contained.   
“This is all your fucking fault, Roger! I want answers and your hopeless self is always pushing me away! You’re always being overdramatic, blaming your problems on shit that doesn’t exist! It’s all in your head, snap out of it! Why can’t you be normal for fucks sake?!”  
Feet pounded against the ground as he stormed out of the room, neverminding the shocked Roger left behind. Door slammed closed, never looking back. Rushing past people, giving them dirty looks, he reached the outdoor campus, being annoyed by all of it. Wind blew into him and the stray hairs that covered his face, he pulled them out of the way, yanking them out of his sight. Huffs exploding out of him, making his way to who knows where. He didn’t have a destination in mind, he was just...going. Not paying attention to anything else, his attention blurred by his hazy way of thinking. He came to a stop in his steps at a voice calling for him.   
“Brian, stop.”  
He turned to see who it belonged to and he laid eyes on Freddie, who had a look of concern on his face, wanting to know what was bothering him. He kept a safe distance from him though, not risking anything. Brian hadn’t told him about his problems but Freddie must’ve figured it out. Great, another mistake he made. How many more could pile on?  
Without even thinking about it, he let out a scream, his fury coming out.   
“Why can’t you?!...” he stopped mid-sentence, holding onto the wall, taking a moment to contain himself. Freddie’s expression changed, one with eyes wide and brows curved up.   
He made his way by his side, taking ahold of him and setting him down on the ledge nearby. Taking a seat, Brian stared at the ground, not wanting to accept the reality of what he had done. Freddie took a seat next to him, in the silence that filled the gap between the two. Seconds passing by without anything happening, he waited until Brian calmed down enough to see through the situation.   
“What’s the problem? I’ve never seen this side of you come out without warning and I don’t like it all! I never thought I’d have to say this but, you’re always keeping secrets from me, it’s almost as if you don’t trust me, why?!”  
Taking a moment to think about how to respond to the question, he froze up at the second part. He wasn’t wrong, but he couldn’t let him know that. He would give him an answer to his first question, in hopes of directing his attention away from the second one.   
“It frustrates me. Roger can’t be normal, every little thing upsets him! He’s being so over dramatic and I’m so fuc—”  
“Stop.”  
Brian cut off his sentence, the urge to fire back the rest of what he had to say coming back, but he pulled through, looking at Freddie in the eyes.   
“Breathe, just breathe...you need to understand what you’re saying.”  
Brian stayed still at his words, calming down as he took in deep breaths. One after another, breathe, don’t think about anything else. What seemed like an eternity, his mind collected itself for the first time in a while, turning away from any negative thoughts, only focusing on staying clear. He took in the fresh air around, fueling the peace that formed inside of him. Why couldn’t he be like this everyday? Undisturbed and free of his own mind. Out from the depths of his most hidden secrets he had been living with for his whole life came into the light, more specifically, his anger management issues. Eyes landed on Freddie, filling up with every bit of sympathy and regret that there could be. It couldn’t go on like this anymore, it was destroying everything he ever had left. He was so exhausted and just wanted things to be okay. But that wouldn’t come with ease unless he did something to make it happen. He was tired of everything, hiding his real self from the world even worse, keeping secrets from the people who he cared so much about. This was going to end right now. Mustering up all the courage in him, he met eyes with Freddie and took a deep breath, hesitating in what he was about to say.   
“I’m sorry, I can’t control it. I have...anger management issues.”  
He turned to him, waiting for Freddie to judge him. He knew it was inevitable for it not to happen so he might as well get over it once and for all. Bracing himself for the hurtful words to come to him, he fell into confusion when nothing happened. Coming out of his hiding place he was met with the sight of Freddie with a look on hurt on his face, eyes shining with tears daring to fall.   
“It’s not your fault, but you should’ve thought things through.”  
Brian nodded in regret, which filled him at this point.  
“It isn’t really anyone’s fault. Roger can’t control whether he wanted to feel the way he did. No one is to blame. You two will always be my family and I love both of you, no matter what.”  
Brian held his arms out and Freddie took them without hesitation, bringing him into a hug. He didn’t want anything else than stay in the moment forever, it marked the end of living in fear and finally trusting Freddie with everything. It meant freedom. He brought him closer to him, getting rid of all the things that disturbed him. Letting himself get lost in the moment, no interruptions happened when one dark realization shot him right out of that state. He pulled back from the hug, standing up from the ledge.   
“What’s going on?” Freddie asked, worry in his voice.   
Before he could answer, he sped off into the distance, neverminding the unanswered question. With one place in mind, he sped past countless dorm doors when he reached the one he searched for. Running up to it, he knocked, waiting for a response. Nothing, silence was what he got. Roger was in there that was something that he was certain about, he just didn’t want to let him in. Part of him wanted to respect his wishes but the other side thought otherwise, going to the dark possibilities of what could be going on behind his closed door. He lightly pushed the door open and the soft sobs of Roger were to be heard in the silence of the room. How could he have let this happen? Forgetting about everything else, he went up to him with the intention to calm him down. Hand reached for the blanket that covered him but was interrupted midway.   
“Brian!” he shrieked, yanking the blanket back to him, pushing him away.   
Brian backed off, respecting his wishes.   
“You should go...I want to be alone.” he turned around, hiding away in the corner, his back facing to Brian.   
“I’m—”  
“Please...I don’t want you here.” Roger pleaded, his voice growing louder.   
“Rog, I—” Brian started.   
He whipped around, ripping his arms out of the bundle of blankets, shoving Brian away from him.   
“Get the fuck out! leave me alone!” he finally screamed.  
He backed into the wall and sat there, looking at Brian with eyes of distress with mixes of frustration. Even he surprised himself, he didn’t think his voice would be that strong. Brian wouldn’t give up on him, he had to know what went on.   
“Okay, I’ll leave but tell me what’s wrong.” He inched closer to him, but kept a safe distance from Roger, not wanting to pressure him again.   
“You don’t want to know.” He faced down at the ground.   
“I do, I care so much about you and I want to know how I can help.”  
Looking up at him, tears welled up in his eyes.   
“It’s easy for you to say, you don’t have to live a living hell inside your head every single second of your existence,” he turned away, not daring to face him. All Brian could do was to let the words sink in and the ache that filled him, how he wished he knew.   
“I know I can’t cure you but I want to help. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”  
He stayed quiet, still refusing to go back to him. Seconds passed and nothing happened. Brian never left, in hopes that he would see through to him. What had seemed like forever, Roger faced him at last, struggling to keep his gaze on him.   
“I’m sorry for everything. I look disgusting…”  
As he said that, the blanket slipped and in that moment Brian caught a horrifying glimpse of Roger’s body. Worry struck him at the first sight of it, not liking it at all.   
“Roger...Roger, no…”  
He took ahold of the blanket, pulling it off of him. Roger desperately tried to grab it out of Brian’s grasp but it escaped out of his grip, falling to the ground with a thud. He shot down to the ground, attempting to pick it up and forget that the whole thing even happened when it kicked in that things weren’t going to be like that, no matter what he did. He stood in a timid manner, not letting any more of himself to be revealed to Brian. But it was too late, everything that had been hidden away from Brian came to his full attention. Bruises spotted his whole body, turning purple and into black, big as could be. HIm being skin and bones at this point, barely any weight on him, the outline of bones being visible. The thing that stung him the most was the gashes in his skin. The word FAG engraved into him, dried up blood surrounding the horrid word.   
“Roger, who...did this to you?”  
He stayed still, hesitating to answer. Brian knew exactly who had done it but he refused to let it sink in and he would believe it when Roger told him.   
“The Tormentors…” he squeaked out.  
How could Brian have let this happen to him? This was all his fault. Lips trembling, Roger struggled to find the words he wanted to say, tears on the brink of falling, shining and him blinking as to not let them out just yet. It hurt Brian that he felt the need to hide his feelings about everything, it brought him a sense that Roger didn’t trust him. He couldn’t blame him though, even he felt that the world was against him when he reached his blurred state of mind. The one that didn’t see the good in things, taken away by the underlying anger that was part of him since he could remember.  
“Please, don’t leave me! I promise I’ll get better!” he begged, his voice faltering.   
He fell to the ground, cowering down, hiding away from the world as he curled up into a bunch in the corner of the room. Tears leaving him without stopping, his loud sobs lingering in the air. Brian’s heart broke at the sight, he never wanted to Roger in so much pain. Without even hesitating for a second, he was at his side, bringing him closer to him. Roger let himself be cupped into Brian’s arms, crying into his shoulder. He hated that he was like this, and hated the fact that he was a bothersome to Brian. He didn’t deserve him, he never did.


End file.
